What is Domestic Abuse?

People often think of domestic violence only in terms of the black eyes and bruises that can be seen. In reality, domestic violence is a pattern of assault and coercive behaviors that abusive individuals use to control their intimate partners.

As adaptive and resilient as they may be, individuals who have been abused nevertheless face a daunting number of barriers to escaping the violence. In addition to the very real threat of harm or death to themselves or their children, victims must contend with the accompanying financial and emotional hardship.

They also often weigh cultural and religious values that emphasize keeping families intact and respond to the violence in spite of justice and social service systems that don’t always provide adequate safety and support.

People who have never experienced abuse often find it difficult to imagine why victims don’t leave and how the abuse can continue for years. Relationships almost never start out abusive. It is important to remember that love and intimacy precede the abuse, which can make it difficult to break away. Abusive relationships are not violent all the time. There are periods when a victim is reminded why s/he fell in love with the abuser. Abusers effectively weave together intimacy and abuse to control their partners.

Individuals who have been abused sometimes express confusion about the recurring nature of the violence they experience in their relationship. It seems to them to be unpredictable and impulsive. Domestic violence, however, is neither random nor haphazard. It is a complex pattern of increasingly frequent and harmful physical, sexual, psychological, financial and other abusive behaviors used to control the victim. The abuser’s tactics are devised and carried out precisely to control the victim. Source: Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence, 2006

Am I Being Abused?

It can be difficult to acknowledge that you, or someone you care about, is involved in an abusive relationship. Domestic Violence does not look the same in all relationships; however, there are some warning signs that may indicate you are in an unhealthy relationship.

SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Your Inner Thoughts & Feelings

Do you:

• Feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• Feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• Wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• Feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Belittling Behavior

Does your Partner:

• Humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
• Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• Blame you for his own abusive behavior?
• See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Violent Behavior or Threats

Does your partner :

• Have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• Hurt you, or threaten to kill you?
• Threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• Force you to have sex?
• Destroy your belongings?
• Threaten or harm family pets?

Controlling Behavior

Does your partner:

• Act excessively jealous and possessive?
• Control where you go or what you do?
• Keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• Constantly check up on you?

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